Social Media and How It Almost Killed Me

Why you ask? Why would I want to leave Facebook and all my friends? Well to be honest, the combination of antidepressants that I am taking is no longer working anymore.  I want to be happy and Facebook, on most days, leaves me anything but happy.  Twitter always disgusted me. But my first step away from any type of "social media" was hockey websites and boards and fans, etc. 

Yep, I was one of "those" fans. I proudly criticized my team on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis.  Wasn't that one of my rights as a fan?  I really need to find that fan constitution again. Eventually, I got tired of  being called an idiot, stupid because I didn't grow up around hockey, lived in the South, wasn't a season ticket holder and didn't see every game so I shouldn't talk.  Well guess what?  I don't even care about hockey anymore. and If the Carolina Hurricanes left NC that would be fine by me. And in the end, it was THEIR FANS, not their crappy play on the ice that drove me away.  Carolina Hurricanes Fans.  Ugh! Maybe they don't create havoc at games but they sure know how to make one feel unwanted as a fan. So now, I'm not.  At least I got to go to a few Stanley Cup games (the year they lost it, not the year they won it), the NHL All Star Game, and even Finland which was the best trip/vacation ever!

Twitter: After the 2016 elections, I deactivated my Twitter account first . The vitriol on that social media site after the 2016 election was just too much for me to handle. I rarely used Twitter.  Maybe for a contest or some update from someone who wasn't on Facebook.  It was also an easy way to get updates on my favorite sports teams while they were playing. As a person without cable TV, this was especially helpful when the games were not being played on "regular" TV.  So, I will miss the updates about NC State College Sports and the Washington Redskins. I followed some other teams but those were my top follows.  I downloaded the ESPN app to my phone and I'll get updates from that now.  Whew! If I want to read a story about a game, well, I'll just go online and find one.

Twitter was always hard for me.  Conversations were always going on and if you missed something, well you were just out of the loop. I think the ease at which you could text to a bunch of people at one time was good for those who spent their time texting all day anyway.  I don't text a lot.  I prefer talking; face to face or even on the phone.  It's rare I know.  I'm rare. I actually wish people would go back to writing letters.

Finally Facebook.  Ah Facebook, what a fickle friend you are. I've lost and found friends because of you. Reunited with family members. Found out about the dog rescue world and even signed on.  Unfortunately, in our new world, I no longer know how to be. I don't do politics. I'm not going to get involved in mud slinging or insult hurling or what ever the game is called these days.  But it hurts when I see people I truly like and love, call other people (maybe myself, or family or friends) names. You don't know me Facebook, and you never will.  Stop trying. 

As for my friends, I'm heading back to the old days. I'm going to get a home phone so that I can turn off the smart phone at night. I will always be here, I just won't be there.  

Peace and love to you all. 

Denise

Goodbye, My Rosey Love

How do you do it? How do you consciously make a decision to end a life? Especially the life of one that can't tell you, in human words, anything? I love her. I don't want to make that choice. In the end, I had no choice.

I loved Rosey because she needed me and I needed something to take care of. It was a match made in heaven. 

It has taken some time for me to put these words down. They've been scattered everywhere, whenever a new thought popped in my head.

Rosey, this is for you: 

The time has come to say goodbye my love. To nuzzle you, kiss you, pet you, hold you one last time. 

You kept me alive, so I must let you go. I wanted you but sometimes, I didn't.

You were hard to get to know. 

I wish I could have lived in your mind for just awhile. I wanted to know everything about you, what made you tick. 

When I met you, I was dying; depressed and withdrawn. I didn't want to live. 

Having to imagine the rest of my life without you, that is the hardest part. 

I didn't keep you to be some kind of saint. I kept you because I couldn't bear to let you go.

I will miss your stubbornness and the way you used to nuzzle my head. 

You didn't bark for 2 WHOLE YEARS. But once you started, you never shut it off.  You always let me know how you were feeling.  But that's okay. I loved your bark. 

Except not at 5 in the morning on a Saturday when I didn't have to work. 

I remember meeting you for the first time, not knowing what to expect because you weren't a puppy and I wasn't your 'FIRST' life. 

At night, I listened to you breathing wondering when it would be your last. 

I would kiss the top of your head and feel it vibrate, jiggle.  I wish I knew what that meant. 

You won't be forgotten! I still think of Trixie and Midget and see them in my dreams. I hope you will visit me too. 

Don't let Midget give you any lip! She's a feisty one. 

In the end, I wanted you to live forever, but I could tell you were tired, so I let you go. 

I just hope you know how much you were loved. 

Rosey Tyler April 2008 - August 2016

Election Day Observations

Today is November 8, 2016. I always vote on Election Day.  I’m actually glad I did this year because I heard that the Early Voting lines were really long.  My line was long, but not 2 hours long.  I also like voting first thing in the morning and getting it over with.  I usually adjust my morning routine so that I’m at my voting place when it opens.  I entered the queue at 6:45 a.m. and I was back in my car at 7:20 a.m.  When I put my ballot in the machine, it told me I was voter #150. In 45 minutes, 150 people had already voted at the elementary school where I went to vote.  When leaving, someone driving the wrong way almost hit me. Ugh!! Pay attention to the signs people. 

When I drove by the school on my way to work (because I went home afterwards to get ready for work) I noticed there was no longer a line outside the building.  Maybe I should have waited.  No.  I’m glad I got to be #150.

I’m glad you can no longer vote a Straight Party ticket.  I know some people actually go in and just vote for the president.  They either forget or don’t care about all of the other offices that need our vote.  I’m okay with that.  If you don’t care or don’t want to learn about all the others, then I don’t want you to vote for them.  I actually wish they would remove the Party Designation by each name.

I’m glad that after today, there will be no more political commercials on TV and radio, no more recyclable materials in my mailbox, no more phone calls from weird numbers (I never answer!) and no more people going door to door. 

I hope that after today, all of my Facebook friends will just stop talking about it.  I want each and every one of you to know that nothing you posted on your Facebook wall influenced my vote.  Nothing! I have actually unfriended a few people over the years because they would just get downright nasty in their posts. If you are going to be nasty (and not in a funny way because I can get sarcasm) then I don’t want to be friends with you.  Again, I’m okay with that because If you are a bully for either side, move on.  I don’t do bullies.  I don’t do name calling.  See ya later!

I hope all the “celebrities” shut up. And if you said you would move if the person you didn’t vote for wins, please do so.  And make a TV show out of it.  I might watch it.  Unless it’s on cable and then no, I won’t watch it because I’m not going to pay to see your show. Celebrities live a lifestyle I will never have (nor do I want if I’m being truthful).  They don’t know my struggles or what it’s like to live my lifestyle. I don’t and won’t ever go to them for voting advice either. 

I wish for a time when we turn off our TV’s and internet and learn how to get to know each other instead of listening to what the talking heads say about us.  I wish we could stop believing what these people say.  What makes them any better than us? I wish that someday we could all come together and love each other regardless of our differences.

Unfortunately, I know that none of this will never happen. 

Divided we stand.  Divided they will keep us because THEY like it that way.

You say you want a revolution?  You just might get one. 

Today was a Crappy Day!

I'm not going to lie. Today was just not a good day.

It started with me realizing, after I brewed my coffee, that I was out of creamer.  I've been telling myself for days to pick some up but I just forgot and/or kept making excuses.  I've actually dropped everything and drove to one of the many grocery stores within a 3 mile radius before but not today.  I just didn't feel like it.  I knew there was a coffee shop on NCSU's Vet Campus. I'd pay for that today.  So, I put my brewed coffee with it's sugar substitute added in a big cup with a lid and figured I would wait to add the creamer when I got to work because I have creamer at work.

So, we start off the day with no coffee.  Now after that realization, things went okay. Got the dogs out, got them fed, except for Roscoe. He's undergoing treatment at NCSU Veterinary Hospital so no morning food.  I got my shower but didn't really want to wear what I had picked out on Sunday. My mind does not need this today. I grabbed one of my shirtdresses. Comfort above all!

Get to the Vet School and wait 1 minute before the Port City Java Shop opened.  Now, I looked at all the signs on the outside. I read them all! No where was a sign indicating pets were not allowed. So Roscoe and I went right in. And then some woman left the cash register and said she'd love to watch my dog. I didn't understand what she meant until she tried taking the leash from me. Now I'm freaking out a bit. So I walk the way she starts walking and she points to a sign ON THE INSIDE that says No Pets Allowed.  Well that's great but how about you put that sign on the outside so people who aren't students, will know not to bring their cancer stricken pets inside. Just a thought. So, still no coffee.

I tell her I'll come back later (I don't) and head over to the oncology department.  Roscoe is shaking. This is new. I wait and chat with all the other dog people in there. Alexa comes, we talk and she takes him away.  Now I can go to work!

Finally, Coffee! But I'm so distracted and out of it by now that my work day was not as productive as I'd hoped.  I did finish what I wanted to finish but, there was so much more I had planned on doing.

And the crying. A memory pops up and there I go. I cried on both 15 minute walks. I cried in the car. I cried at my desk, in my cube. I don't even wear makeup these days. What's the point?

It's almost time to go to bed. I'm so over today.

Growing My Own Food

It’s a new thing for me but something I’ve always wanted to try and I’ve always envied people who could or did do it:  Grow food. 

This year, on my deck, I planted 15 plants in containers hoping for something to bear fruit (or vegetable).  I bought 7 tomato plants, 4 cucumber plants and 4 bell pepper plants for $20.  I told myself I would be doing well if half of them survived.  Well I’m doing it great!  So far, 14 out of the 15 have something on them right now.  I’ve eaten 3 cucumbers, and 5 little Roma Tomatoes. My boy pug Roscoe tried a tomato too and he thought it was quite tasty! Now he’s ready to roam the patio in search of more.  Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea bringing him out to taste the tomatoes.

Maybe for most people it’s not such a big deal, but for me, the process has been quite a thrill.  From buying the plants, to buying the soil, to planting them in their containers, to watching them grow and then, to actually eat the food, it just makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. 

I don’t know how much of a “harvest” I’ll get this year but I know that I will appreciate every single bite of the food that comes from my porch.  I’ve already started planning for next year too!  Look out because I’ll hopefully get some squash and zucchini going next year!  

Why is she still here?

In the past year, I've watched family and friends say goodbye to their four legged furbabies left and right.  These are dogs/cat/animals/etc. that suffered for a long time and some, just weeks after a diagnosis.  And yet, there's Rosey, holding on like there's no tomorrow.  I can't "put her down" and feel good about it.  She still eats, she still acts like she loves being alive.

And yet, she can't walk. She has no muscles whatsoever.  I feel every bone in her body and I cry.  She poops when she wants to, sometimes in the bed.  She looks at me with those "I'm so sorry" eyes and I grab her and tell her, "It's ok. I still love you." Of course, she can't hear me because she's deaf now.

All of this happened within the past year.  Is it the Ehrlichia? Is it old age? Is it cancer? Is it degenerative myelopathy?  Who knows?  I can't afford the tests that could tell me what is exactly wrong with her.  So I feed her meds that may or may not help. I hand feed her the food that supposedly helps her. I bought her an $80 harness and hold her up when we go outside so she can pee (and it takes her a while sometimes).  She refuses to pee inside now (she had noooooo problems before this LOL). 

I barely sleep.  I'm like that parent who's constantly listening for their newborn baby to make a sound.
But I love her.  I'm hoping I'll see the signs when she's ready. Or one day, she'll fall asleep and not wake up.

Until then, by God, I will do what I can to make her comfortable.  Because I love her.  And she came to me when I needed her the most.

Without her, you wouldn't have me.  Seriously.

Where Did I Go?

I don't know.  I just stopped.  I got involved in some books.  And work.  And my dogs.  And everything.  Everything else took place of sitting down and writing.  Excuses, excuses right?

I wish I could say I had something to say but the truth is, I shut myself up.  I don't know what to say.  I know there are things I could say but then I get scared that I'll hurt someone's feelings.  That I'll say too much and you'll judge me.

I did have my Air Conditioning go out.  How did people survive before AC?  I mean really?  I thought I would die.  And I love warm weather.  But I realized...I love AC too.

Blame, blame, blame.  Always something to blame.  Isn't that what we do, as a people, these days?  Blame everyone, for everything?  I admit, I do it.  Heck, I just did.

Even my therapist questions why I stopped opening up.  Truthfully, I wonder, should I really put my thoughts out there?  What if someone reads this and ends up hating me?  If you think about it, I'll agree with half of my friends and disagree with the other half.  How do we live like that?  The stress of it (and I can't control it) kills me sometimes.

There are days when I am seriously scared to go on Facebook or Twitter because of some new law or thought or opinion.  What if I agree?  What if I disagree?  If I say something, who will hate me?  I don't deal well with that.

I keep my thoughts on the most demanding issues of the day silent.  I really do not wish to offend.  Seriously.  I do not want people to hate me.

And so, sometimes, I just disappear.  I feel better that way.

What was it Thumper said?  "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  I would amend that to say, "If you can't say something that would appease everyone and you want to stay friends with everyone, don't say anything at all."

Thank God for my therapist.