Friday, March 18, 2016

Why is she still here?

In the past year, I've watched family and friends say goodbye to their four legged furbabies left and right.  These are dogs/cat/animals/etc. that suffered for a long time and some, just weeks after a diagnosis.  And yet, there's Rosey, holding on like there's no tomorrow.  I can't "put her down" and feel good about it.  She still eats, she still acts like she loves being alive.

And yet, she can't walk. She has no muscles whatsoever.  I feel every bone in her body and I cry.  She poops when she wants to, sometimes in the bed.  She looks at me with those "I'm so sorry" eyes and I grab her and tell her, "It's ok. I still love you." Of course, she can't hear me because she's deaf now.

All of this happened within the past year.  Is it the Ehrlichia? Is it old age? Is it cancer? Is it degenerative myelopathy?  Who knows?  I can't afford the tests that could tell me what is exactly wrong with her.  So I feed her meds that may or may not help. I hand feed her the food that supposedly helps her. I bought her an $80 harness and hold her up when we go outside so she can pee (and it takes her a while sometimes).  She refuses to pee inside now (she had noooooo problems before this LOL). 

I barely sleep.  I'm like that parent who's constantly listening for their newborn baby to make a sound.
But I love her.  I'm hoping I'll see the signs when she's ready. Or one day, she'll fall asleep and not wake up.

Until then, by God, I will do what I can to make her comfortable.  Because I love her.  And she came to me when I needed her the most.

Without her, you wouldn't have me.  Seriously.

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